My family, like lots of families, say really bizarre things. I often lament that I cannot adequately describe the dynamic without going into in-depth character studies.
This year, however, I found a shortcut: write down all the weird shit that people say. So here are the quotes from the family vacation, unattributed and out of context.
They range from awkward body humor...
-I'm the sauce fatass.
-You'd better not be burping up intestinal gas. If you are, then there's a problem.
-My ass has natural buoyancy. Wouldn't it be neat if you could get Styrofoam implants?
-I have a tail.
-The best guy bonding moments occur in the bathroom when taking a crap or while taking a shower.
...to awkward sex humor (why is this the largest category?)...
-Did you take over my balls when I was gone?
-Please don’t ask me that question again.
-That’s funny. All I can see is her butt.
-I'm horny. I want to get laid. I'm going to go to church.
-Keep that sperm to yourself, yo.
-Do you want to do a foursome?
-Mom, where should I put my tramp stamp?
-Let's all get naked and let her paint us.
-Since you're the ho, you can put that one on your thigh.
-She's got a black man on her boob!
-Probably wouldn't be the first time.
-Do you have any men on you?
-I still looking at Playboy bunnies. I just don't remember why.
-[My daughter]'s a tart.
-It's better than a commemorative condom.
-I was wondering why you were floating with that thing attached to your noodle.
...to just plain awkward...
-Just let me slap on some deodorant and I’ll be ready to go to dinner.
-Oh, so that means you DO have deodorant?
-He means MY deodorant.
-What? It’s Secret - it’s strong enough for a man, but made for me.
-[While holding very large, sharp, menacing-looking grilling tongs] If you need to walk through the streets of Harlem, just take these grill tools.
-This person likes to chop up dead cows.
-It's not bad. Like, not skunky.
...to horribly un-P.C.and/or insulting.
-She looks sad in this picture. Probably because she knows she has cancer.
-There's, um, a holiday. For blacks. Around Christmas.
-I'm pretty sure your mom has a mullet.
-She went to the hospital a couple of years ago. Apparently the devil had thought it was time, but God didn't want her either.
I think I will make this a yearly tradition.