Monday, August 23, 2010

Not as Good as "Sh*t My Dad Says," But It'll Do

My family, like lots of families, say really bizarre things. I often lament that I cannot adequately describe the dynamic without going into in-depth character studies.

This year, however, I found a shortcut: write down all the weird shit that people say. So here are the quotes from the family vacation, unattributed and out of context.

They range from awkward body humor...


-I'm the sauce fatass.

-You'd better not be burping up intestinal gas. If you are, then there's a problem.

-My ass has natural buoyancy. Wouldn't it be neat if you could get Styrofoam implants?

-I have a tail.

-The best guy bonding moments occur in the bathroom when taking a crap or while taking a shower.

...to awkward sex humor (why is this the largest category?)...

-Did you take over my balls when I was gone?
-Please don’t ask me that question again.

-That’s funny. All I can see is her butt.

-I'm horny. I want to get laid. I'm going to go to church.

-Keep that sperm to yourself, yo.

-Do you want to do a foursome?

-Mom, where should I put my tramp stamp?

-Let's all get naked and let her paint us.

-Since you're the ho, you can put that one on your thigh.

-She's got a black man on her boob!
-Probably wouldn't be the first time.

-Do you have any men on you?

-I still looking at Playboy bunnies. I just don't remember why.

-[My daughter]'s a tart.

-It's better than a commemorative condom.

-I was wondering why you were floating with that thing attached to your noodle.

...to just plain awkward...

-Just let me slap on some deodorant and I’ll be ready to go to dinner.
-Oh, so that means you DO have deodorant?
-He means MY deodorant.
-What? It’s Secret - it’s strong enough for a man, but made for me.

-[While holding very large, sharp, menacing-looking grilling tongs] If you need to walk through the streets of Harlem, just take these grill tools.

-This person likes to chop up dead cows.

-It's not bad. Like, not skunky.

...to horribly un-P.C.and/or insulting.

-She looks sad in this picture. Probably because she knows she has cancer.

-There's, um, a holiday. For blacks. Around Christmas.

-I'm pretty sure your mom has a mullet.

-She went to the hospital a couple of years ago. Apparently the devil had thought it was time, but God didn't want her either.

I think I will make this a yearly tradition.

3 comments:

  1. OMG your family sounds cool hahahha my family never get into deep convos its always hows the weather?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I should find this shocking, but after your father picked us up from the bars with a cucumber in the car, nothing is shocking anymore. That will go down as one of the all time most hilarious drunk moments in my life.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't know what you're talking about. Your family sounds awesome!

    ReplyDelete

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