Okay, if I've learned anything about telecommunications and the internet over the last few years, it is that one should never text/call/blog/Facebook/Twitter/however else people throw their words out there when they are in any of the following conditions:
2. Homicidally angry
3. In the throes of depression
And yet, even though the above should go without saying, many of us do just that anyway. I thankfully have not blogged while drunk (in which case I'd say, "Thank God for the DELETE button!"), but I have dabbled in the latter two: #2 when I was working in food service, and #3 the other night. And while I don't necessarily regret what I wrote (I was certainly feeling it at the time), I was at a low point.
The reality is that if I don't get in to any schools, I will just have to deal with it. There are other ways to become a writer and, in truth, I haven't really explored most of them yet - usually for the same reasons I've been nervous about the application process. Mostly, I'm afraid I'm not good enough. Or, that I am good enough, but not motivated, disciplined, or deserving enough.
I was talking with a co-worker today about all this, and the conversation drifted off to someone else we both know who works in our office. It's hard to describe this woman succinctly, but I'll try: she's a nasty, overgrown schoolyard bully who married a rich guy but for whatever reason still works and finds any opportunity to undermine people and/or flaunt her (hubby's) money. She has a way of deciding she doesn't want anything to do with you until she has purchased a new vehicle or is planning a lavish trip. Last year, she went to Italy and reported that she was "over it" after a few days. This year, I hear, she is going to Paris. Predictably, this pissed me off. So the co-worker and I were talking about it and I asked (whined, really), why assholes like her always seem to have the most charmed lives? My co-worker answered that she didn't know, but she was happy with her life, so it didn't really matter. I admitted that this kind of thing bothers me only because I am not happy with my own life, and she replied back that at least I recognized it, and that I was making a change.
And she's right. I feel better knowing - even if nothing is certain and I'm not the happiest right now - that I am working to make the changes in my own life that are necessary to make it better. Even if this whole MFA thing is a failure, I know that there are other alternatives that are worth trying. So please bear with me as I pull myself out of this and (hopefully) start finding other things to talk about.